How to be a less grumpy mom

When you have a moment with your kids after they come home from daycare or school or after waking from a nap, there’s nothing worse than spending that whole moment feeling irritable and snapping at them. 

Often, firmness is warranted. We can tolerate running around the car for a bit but eventually, it’s time to get in the car seat…now!

But do you ever find you get stuck in the mode of being firm and unsmiling and short for long stretches of time? Do you find it hard to bounce back to a more positive state of mind?

In my experience, this usually happens when a mom’s needs are not being met. You haven’t had enough fun or creativity or sleep. Your meals have been mindless and not very satisfying or nourishing. Your muscles feel tense because you haven’t been stretching or drinking enough water. You’ve been filling your precious me-time with doing chores or tasks. You haven’t watched a genuinely inspiring movie or escaped into a truly captivating book in ages. You haven’t done a personal hobby lately. These are just a few of the reasons for a stressed out, irritable mom. 

Another reason could be hormones. Premenstrual syndrome, postpartum hormone shifts and perimenopause can deeply impact relationships because they can make you feel like your emotions are out of control. 

So what’s a mom to do? Well, we have to do the opposite of the above as much as possible. Below, I talk about what that can look like. And believe me, I know, not all of these options will be realistic or even desirable to you - but maybe some of them will be. Maybe you can fit in one of these tips every few days or even every day. Maybe it’s worth a try if it means you can get a little closer to the enthusiastic, more easy going, more joyful version of yourself that gets trapped underneath your grumpy alter-ego.

• Get a book that’s a genre that you love and that takes you to far away places in your mind and replace some of your TV or phone time at night with reading it. Books can be more grounding and more immersive than TV. 

• Bring date night home when you can’t get out and consider bonus ones on weekdays. Maybe have some store-bought ice cream with your partner on the front porch or couch after the kids go to bed (baby monitor in hand). Or watch part of a really good iconic movie together. I don’t know about you but when I watch a quality, acclaimed movie I feel much more inspired than when I watch just any random thing trending on Netflix. 

• Think back to a creative hobby you once did and bring it back into your life even a little bit (art, crochet, photography, starting a bookstagram etc.). Humans need creativity. 

• Sit down at the table (maybe with some grocery store flowers as a centerpiece) and eat your meals and snacks mindfully. Eat nourishing meals and snacks without a screen as your meal partner. Imagine you're at a cafe if that helps you. Adults benefit from a sprinkle of make-believe too. 

• Look into a form of exercise that you can stick with even if that means using Youtube or a fitness app rather than the gym. Yoga. Pilates. Dance workouts. Whatever is interesting (and safe) for you. 

• Have a cut off for when you stop doing chores and tidying and can just completely do whatever you want. Ideally this would be something fun (like reading) and not just brushing your teeth and getting ready for bed. 

• Get support for any potential hormonal, psychological or physical ailments you have. You deserve to feel well. It’s hard to avoid feeling grumpy when you feel unwell. 

One of the most common goals I hear when I work with patients is that they want to be healthier so that they can have better relationships with their loved ones. This often includes feeling less irritable around kids and partners. Moments of grumpiness are inevitable. We’ve all been there. But we want to make sure this is not the mode that we’re in all the time - not only for the sake of others, but for our own sake too!

Postpartum Rage

Motherhood is supposed to be a time of pure joy right? Sure we’re tired after having a baby but our hearts are full and we’re blissful all the time…right? Thankfully, with the help of social media, this unrealistic image of postpartum life is being shed as mothers share their honest experiences about life after having a baby - experiences like sadness, anxiety, loneliness and fear. 

However, one topic I still don’t see discussed that often is postpartum rage. It’s not often discussed online and there isn’t enough research on it as there should be. Postpartum rage or postpartum anger happens to many people after giving birth. Moms who experience this notice a dramatic increase in their anger after having a baby. It can go hand in hand with postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression or it can occur on its own. 

In one Canadian study of about 270 mothers, 31% experienced “intense anger” in the first year postpartum. So you are not alone if this is your experience. 

What Causes Postpartum Rage

Similar to postpartum depression and anxiety, postpartum rage may be caused by hormonal changes and the many disruptions in routine that happen after having a baby such as less free time and less sleep. 

Postpartum Rage Symptoms

Many with postpartum rage feel like their symptoms are out of character for them or more intense than they are used to. 

Symptoms include:

• Losing your temper more frequently 

• Swearing more

• Yelling more

• Punching things like the floor or a pillow 

• Irritability 

Treatment 

It’s important to discuss these symptoms with your healthcare providers (including your naturopathic doctor) to get advice on how to cope. It’s also important to seek out immediate medical attention if you are at risk of harming yourself or others. 

Many of the treatments for postpartum anxiety and depression are used for postpartum rage. As a naturopathic doctor I use diet, lifestyle recommendations, herbal medicine and nutritional supplements to help with postpartum mood issues. Medications and therapy can also be relevant in some of these cases.  

Generally, improving self care and getting as much support as possible helps to improve postpartum mood issues including anger but any mother can tell you that this is easier said than done. If you would like to learn more about how a naturopathic doctor can help support you during the postpartum stage, book a free 15 minute meet and greet with me over the phone. 

Your Overall Health Affects Your Mental Health

In some ways it seems like common sense that our overall health affects our mental health. But when you break it down, it can seem bizarre. How does my blood sugar or my heart health affect my mental health? How does my gut health influence anxiety? How does inflammation impact depression?

A large study published in 2018 added more evidence to the idea that mental health can’t be treated separately from overall health. In this study, published by the American Journal of Epidemiology, researchers looked at 12 studies of over 1.5 million women to see if there was an association between chronic health conditions and peripartum mental health conditions in mothers. Peripartum refers to before or after childbirth. Researchers found that mothers who had chronic health conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, migraines and other neurological conditions were more likely to have mental health conditions like anxiety and depression before childbirth or postpartum.

We can’t say that these physical health conditions caused mental health conditions in these women. We just know that they were associated with each other. The researchers concluded that more mental health resources should be available to mothers with chronic physical health conditions.

To me, this study is another piece of evidence telling us to expand our approach to mental health. To fully manage anxiety, we can’t only search for the drug, herb, nutrient or “superfood” that will correct a brain chemical level (serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine etc.). It really may be helpful to look at restoring overall health in addition to supporting those brain chemicals to manage anxiety and depression.

This study only looks at perinatal mental health conditions and it doesn’t look at all the possible health conditions that could be associated with anxiety or depression. So, we really shouldn’t assume these findings apply to everyone. But, in my experience, when I work with someone who has depression or anxiety and I work on their overall health, we often get positive results. When we broaden our focus and treat the whole person, it opens up new opportunities for progress.